Spectacular Chaos

I think I've felt a little uninspired to blog lately.  For a while I felt insightful about exploring Gainesville, new experiences, and life in general.  But this past week or so, any time I try to write it just sounds like rambling garbage with no point.  Today I finally felt like I had something to say, but I hated everything that ended up on my screen.  Maybe I was trying too hard to craft an eloquent analogy for how I'm feeling.  I said I would do the opposite when I started this blog though.  Lets see if I can get out of my head and purge this word vomit.

A thunderstorm rolled through tonight, and I thought about it as a metaphor for life.  Storms form in unstable atmospheric conditions.  Warm, moist air rises. Then as it cools, it sinks again, warms at the surface, and starts the cycle over.  The unstable convective air can produce torrential rains, gusty winds, hail, lightning.  Sometimes its a violent combination.  However, tonight I listened to the rain outside my window and felt a brief sense of calm.  The intervals of low rumbling thunder massaged my central nervous system.  I only wished my apartment had better views of the lightning.

Until the end of 2011, my life had forward momentum.  I went to school, graduated college, and found a summer job that turned into a full time job.  I thought I would be able to leave on my terms when I got into grad school to pursue my own interests.  That's not how it worked out though.  The last year I've found myself bouncing between temporary positions, not out of desire but out of necessity.  Then this graduate opening came up, so I finally got an application together and actually had an interview last week.  Now I'm making myself sick over deciding whether it's really what I want or if I should just settle since it's the only opportunity on my radar. (I don't even know if he's going to offer me the position yet.)

I don't like the instability in my life.  Not knowing where I'll be six months from now wreaks havoc on my emotions.  Sometimes thinking about all of my bouncing around in 2012 actually makes me cringe. There were some good things that came from that unstable year though.  I have to remind myself that they weren't steps back but lateral moves.  Its really hard to convince myself of that sometimes, but I suppose each one helped me in at least a small way.

Today was not one of my better days.  I severely lacked motivation to do a lot of the things I planned to do.  The storm was a little reminder though that some spectacular things can come from unstable conditions.  The hard part is convincing myself of that more often.