I have a cold. Just your general, run of the mill sniffling, sneezy, stuffy, achey cold. It isn't debilitating, but just bad enough to hinder normal functionality. My head is in a fog, and it takes deliberate effort to focus on responsibilities that I can't put on hold. To let you in a on a little secret though, I embrace it.
I'm not masochistic, and I don't seek anyone's pity. However, fighting a cold brings me to a unique state of self-awareness. I have a consciousness of my body in ways that aren't apparent when I'm healthy. I feel the tightness in my head, the constant flow of mucus, the subtle aching in my chest and shoulders, and the distinct resonance in my sinuses when I speak. My symptoms worsen at night, and thoughts of death seem appealing if it means I'll finally get some sleep. But it's only temporary. My body is eradicating an invader that entered through an unidentifiable pathway. The symptoms I feel indicate a properly functioning immune system, and in those moments I know that I'm alive.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Regrouping
I survived my first semester, somehow. It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. I didn't come in with a cohort of fellow stumblers. It was just me at the Davie campus. Two of my three classes were less than engaging. Both were video conferenced. I sat in a room with no more than three other people at a time listening to gray-haired professors at other campuses read paragraphs of texts from powerpoints. I really could have done that on my own. The semester closed leaving me with little sense of accomplishment and only slight relief that it was over.
I told myself I would make progress towards my thesis proposal during the break. But I didn't. I spent most of it wallowing on the verge of depression, feeling confused, lonely, and hating South Florida. Had I not been happy with my advisor as well, there's a chance that I would have dropped all together.
But that isn't the case. Though that first semester was filled with adjustment issues, the main reason I'm here has lived up to expectation. My advisor is fantastic. He has a realistic idea of what a Master's project should entail. He isn't a micro-manager, but he is always in his office whenever I have questions. And the rest of my program has been great as well. The other class was taught by an enthusiastic professor with high expectations. His class was the most rewarding of the three.
I have high hopes for this semester. I only have two classes. Both are engaging though they will require more work. A new student started in our lab, and we get along really well. I also feel like I'm finally starting to develop better friendships with a few classmates that I met last semester. It makes a world of difference to have supportive group of peers. It's going to be a busy few months, but if I turn the wheels in my brain hard enough, I should still be able to defend a proposal and start my data collection. And that's why I'm here.
I've constantly been told that the first semester is the hardest. That it gets better from there on out. I sure as hell hope those people are right.
I told myself I would make progress towards my thesis proposal during the break. But I didn't. I spent most of it wallowing on the verge of depression, feeling confused, lonely, and hating South Florida. Had I not been happy with my advisor as well, there's a chance that I would have dropped all together.
But that isn't the case. Though that first semester was filled with adjustment issues, the main reason I'm here has lived up to expectation. My advisor is fantastic. He has a realistic idea of what a Master's project should entail. He isn't a micro-manager, but he is always in his office whenever I have questions. And the rest of my program has been great as well. The other class was taught by an enthusiastic professor with high expectations. His class was the most rewarding of the three.
I have high hopes for this semester. I only have two classes. Both are engaging though they will require more work. A new student started in our lab, and we get along really well. I also feel like I'm finally starting to develop better friendships with a few classmates that I met last semester. It makes a world of difference to have supportive group of peers. It's going to be a busy few months, but if I turn the wheels in my brain hard enough, I should still be able to defend a proposal and start my data collection. And that's why I'm here.
I've constantly been told that the first semester is the hardest. That it gets better from there on out. I sure as hell hope those people are right.
Friday, August 30, 2013
First World Problems
This morning I want to sleep in, but the sound of lanscapers with weed whackers wakes me up at 7:00 AM. I roll over and cover my ears with a pillow, but it does little to drown the noise.
First world problems
Around 8:30 I fight to get out of bed in my chilly room. Our AC is set to a comfortable temperature, but all the cold air seems to collect in my room keeping it well below the thermostat setting. I end up wearing a sweatshirt inside even thought it's nearly 100ºF outside.
First world problems
Today I need to drive about a half-hour to the FAU main campus in Boca Raton to submit some paperwork. I start my car and notice that the gas light is on, so have to I stop at a gas station. Regular unleaded is $3.62 in Davie, and I brace myself for the hit to my credit card.
First world problems
I arrive on campus and wait in the Human Resources office while they help another student. She doesn't have sufficient ID with her to finish her tax forms. The HR employee says that her parents will probably need to express ship her passport to her so she can finish her paperwork in time to start her job.
First world problems
As I listened to NPR on my drive back to Davie, the scheduled program was interrupted to broadcast Secretary of State John Kerry's address regarding intelligence collected in Syria. I had seen headlines about recent events but hadn't read the stories. He described the aftermath of a chemical weapons strike led by the Syrian government that killed over 1,400 of their own people, and he stated that the U.S. is carefully considering how to react (but lets be honest, with our track record, military intervention is inevitable).
In pop culture we use the phrase "first world problems" as a meme and a joke in recognition of the inconvenient non-problems we so often encounter and occasionally let ruin our days. And, really, they are some of my favorite jokes. Today, I began to consider our real first world problems.
I don't have a comprehensive understanding of our foreign policy. But we are undeniably a nation with strong influence over the rest of the world. How hard must it be for the government to weigh our roll in international affairs? It's easy to say we should mind our own business and let a country resolve its own civil war. But can we turn a blind eye to the slaughter of innocent people? If we intervene are we agitating the problem or will we send a definitive message that chemical weapons have not been tolerated in nearly 100 years?
Real first world problems exist on an individual level as well. Instead of landscapers, I could have been awakened by artillery fire and missile strikes. Instead of cold air, my room could have been filled with poisoned gas. And, as a woman, my desire to continue my education and pursue a career could be met with disapproval and persecution instead of support and encouragement. I live in a country of privilege for no other reason than I was lucky enough to have been born here. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't know how I can personally use that status to make a difference for someone who might not be so lucky. That is my real first world problem.
As Kerry finishes his address, I finally notice that I'm about to miss my exit. I merge across three lanes of traffic and barely make it. Then I realize it's actually the wrong one.
First world problems.
First world problems
Around 8:30 I fight to get out of bed in my chilly room. Our AC is set to a comfortable temperature, but all the cold air seems to collect in my room keeping it well below the thermostat setting. I end up wearing a sweatshirt inside even thought it's nearly 100ºF outside.
First world problems
Today I need to drive about a half-hour to the FAU main campus in Boca Raton to submit some paperwork. I start my car and notice that the gas light is on, so have to I stop at a gas station. Regular unleaded is $3.62 in Davie, and I brace myself for the hit to my credit card.
First world problems
I arrive on campus and wait in the Human Resources office while they help another student. She doesn't have sufficient ID with her to finish her tax forms. The HR employee says that her parents will probably need to express ship her passport to her so she can finish her paperwork in time to start her job.
First world problems
As I listened to NPR on my drive back to Davie, the scheduled program was interrupted to broadcast Secretary of State John Kerry's address regarding intelligence collected in Syria. I had seen headlines about recent events but hadn't read the stories. He described the aftermath of a chemical weapons strike led by the Syrian government that killed over 1,400 of their own people, and he stated that the U.S. is carefully considering how to react (but lets be honest, with our track record, military intervention is inevitable).
In pop culture we use the phrase "first world problems" as a meme and a joke in recognition of the inconvenient non-problems we so often encounter and occasionally let ruin our days. And, really, they are some of my favorite jokes. Today, I began to consider our real first world problems.
I don't have a comprehensive understanding of our foreign policy. But we are undeniably a nation with strong influence over the rest of the world. How hard must it be for the government to weigh our roll in international affairs? It's easy to say we should mind our own business and let a country resolve its own civil war. But can we turn a blind eye to the slaughter of innocent people? If we intervene are we agitating the problem or will we send a definitive message that chemical weapons have not been tolerated in nearly 100 years?
Real first world problems exist on an individual level as well. Instead of landscapers, I could have been awakened by artillery fire and missile strikes. Instead of cold air, my room could have been filled with poisoned gas. And, as a woman, my desire to continue my education and pursue a career could be met with disapproval and persecution instead of support and encouragement. I live in a country of privilege for no other reason than I was lucky enough to have been born here. Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't know how I can personally use that status to make a difference for someone who might not be so lucky. That is my real first world problem.
As Kerry finishes his address, I finally notice that I'm about to miss my exit. I merge across three lanes of traffic and barely make it. Then I realize it's actually the wrong one.
First world problems.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Eve of Grad School
My slightly scattered life state has contributed to my lack of blogging. I had difficultly organizing my over-active thoughts. During my short time in Florida, I applied to grad school, was accepted, and got ready to move again. Over the last few months my excitement and nerves battled each other. I get to work in the Everglades! I'm ready to go back to school! But will the other kids like me? Am I smart enough? Can I afford this?
But now I'm here in South Florida. Tomorrow is my first day of class at Florida Atlantic University. I recently reminded myself of a favorite quote: "Nothing in this world that's work having comes easy." (yeah... it's from an episode of Scrubs...) I'll do fine in class, but it will be hard. I'm sure I'll make more friends, but it might be hard. When I find it, my project is going to be awesome. But it's going to take a huge effort. And I'm going to drive a fucking fan boat.
Tomorrow is my first day of grad school. And I'm going to rock the shit out of it.
But now I'm here in South Florida. Tomorrow is my first day of class at Florida Atlantic University. I recently reminded myself of a favorite quote: "Nothing in this world that's work having comes easy." (yeah... it's from an episode of Scrubs...) I'll do fine in class, but it will be hard. I'm sure I'll make more friends, but it might be hard. When I find it, my project is going to be awesome. But it's going to take a huge effort. And I'm going to drive a fucking fan boat.
Tomorrow is my first day of grad school. And I'm going to rock the shit out of it.
Monday, July 15, 2013
A Letter To The City Of Gainesville
Dear Gainesville,
But I'm sad to leave you. I just got here. Just established myself and felt settled. I've learned that I can still make strong friendships. That I can let myself be emotionally vulnerable. I've become more confident with my bike on both roads and trails. With the friends you gave me, I canoed the rivers, hiked the forests, and swam in the keys.
Now it's time to pick up and move again, to South Florida, just on the edge of far away. I'll miss you, Gainesville, but I'll fondly remember the adventures we had together. And don't worry; I'll be back to visit.
Take care,
Michelle
P.S. I've shared some pictures of our happy memories:
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| Mike and our Spaniard friend, Davíd taking tree cores on Blackbeard Island |
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| Mike examines artifacts from a lost time found in Osceola National Forest |
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| Work Wear |
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| Sherry and Marissa after finishing the Seven-Mile Bridge Run. Team "No Bus Of Shame"! |
My going-away party:
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| Aaron |
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| Jesse and John |
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| Jenn |
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| Chip |
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Soul Massage
My alarm sounded at 7:21 this morning, and I hit the snooze alarm. Before it could go off again, Sherry texted me, "See you soon." I had agreed to meet her at 8 so we could go run at San Felasco State Park. But I don't even get up for work this early. What the hell was I thinking? I dragged myself out of bed, pulled on my running gear, and met at her house. We chatted on the half-hour drive up to the park, and I began to wake up. But just as we turned towards the trails, the sky opened up and it began to rain. Hard. Puerto Rico Hard. I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to get out of the car.
Sherry planned on running for 1 1/2 hours; I was only going to run for about 30 minutes. Filled with more ambition than I had, she took off. I stayed in the car attemting to muster enough will and waiting in vain for a break in the storm. I knew I needed this run. I've been nearly sick by the thoughts plaguing me lately. A story on NPR was enough to push me over the edge that if I didn't go now, I might start breaking things.
I cranked Lupe Fiasco on my iPod and took off. Most of the paths at San Felaso wind though an old oak forest. But I chose to follow the two-track road through a grassy pasture. My brain already felt claustrophobic; I didn't need the trees closing in on my body too. Rain drops ran down my head, my face, shoulders, arms, legs. Before long I was soaked. Yet, it was a calming warm rain, a shower that washed away some of my tension.
I glanced at the pasture with low rolling hills. In the rain it seemed beautifully still. By the time I finished running, my shoes and socks were completely saturated. I removed them before walking back to the car. They only provided a foundation for blisters at that point. Puddles in the road were ankle deep and the soft soil massaged my feet. I reached the car and raised my hands in the rain like Andy Dufresne at the end of The Shawshank Redemption. My run was a small endeavor, but today, adjusting my mindset was a grand accomplishment.
Sherry planned on running for 1 1/2 hours; I was only going to run for about 30 minutes. Filled with more ambition than I had, she took off. I stayed in the car attemting to muster enough will and waiting in vain for a break in the storm. I knew I needed this run. I've been nearly sick by the thoughts plaguing me lately. A story on NPR was enough to push me over the edge that if I didn't go now, I might start breaking things.
I cranked Lupe Fiasco on my iPod and took off. Most of the paths at San Felaso wind though an old oak forest. But I chose to follow the two-track road through a grassy pasture. My brain already felt claustrophobic; I didn't need the trees closing in on my body too. Rain drops ran down my head, my face, shoulders, arms, legs. Before long I was soaked. Yet, it was a calming warm rain, a shower that washed away some of my tension.
I glanced at the pasture with low rolling hills. In the rain it seemed beautifully still. By the time I finished running, my shoes and socks were completely saturated. I removed them before walking back to the car. They only provided a foundation for blisters at that point. Puddles in the road were ankle deep and the soft soil massaged my feet. I reached the car and raised my hands in the rain like Andy Dufresne at the end of The Shawshank Redemption. My run was a small endeavor, but today, adjusting my mindset was a grand accomplishment.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Foodie Pen Pals - April 2013
It's Foodie Pen Pal reveal day once again! This month I received a box from Nicole. I asked her to send snacks that would be good to take on a camping canoe trip, and she did not disappoint!
Thanks again for everything, Nicole. Your box was an absolute delight!
If you want to lean more about Foodie penpals, check out the link below! It's been a really fun experience :)
- Peanut butter almond granola - This is really tasty and great with my yogurt!
- (SHELLED!) pumpkin seeds - I've had an affinity for pumpkin seeds lately. I loved that these didn't have the tough shells to gnaw on.
- Veggie chips - An addictive medley of dried carrots, sweet potato, squash, eggplant, and my favorite freeze dried green beans.
- Hickory beef jerky - So good that I had to ration it so it would last me all weekend!
- Spoon bread mix - Nicole is from a town in Kentucky that is famous for their Spoon Bread Festival, and she included a mix with the rest of my snacks. This was the only thing I didn't take camping. But it was perfect to bring to a potluck at my friend Erin's house. The result was somewhere between cornbread and grits. This was the first time any of us had tried spoon bread, and it was a big hit!
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| Spoon bread fresh out of the oven. Delicious with mini burger kabobs! |
My Foodie Pen Pal recipient this month, Mary, doesn't write her own blog. So I invited her to write a guest post about what I sent her:
"I received a great box in April from Michelle from Florida. My box contained the ingredients for the "Everything Soup", It is a combination of Minestrone and a Pasta Fagioli. It is something I will definitely be making."
"I received a great box in April from Michelle from Florida. My box contained the ingredients for the "Everything Soup", It is a combination of Minestrone and a Pasta Fagioli. It is something I will definitely be making."
I hope you enjoy your soup, Mary!
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| A picture that Mary sent after her box arrived |
If you want to lean more about Foodie penpals, check out the link below! It's been a really fun experience :)
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